Addressing Sexual Behavior in Children

“I caught my 7 year old child hiding in the closet with our neighbor’s child.  Their clothes were off and they looked guilty.  I told them to get dressed and sent the neighbor child home.  I don’t know what to do now.  I’m tore up inside and do not want my child suffer the rest of their life because of this”.

The call came from a desperate mom just hours after this event took place.  It really is one of a parent’s worst nightmares.  After the initial shock, the questions  set in, “will this affect them for the rest of their life?”  “What do I do?”  “Does my child need help?” “Do I call the police?”

While this is one of the worst moments a parent can find themselves in, there is a step by step structured approach you can help them take in the moment of discovery and post discovery.  If you are a professional who gets this phone call, consider walking that parent through the following steps. 

Instructions to Parents---

If you catch them in the act:

1.       The most important thing is stay calm.  Take a deep breath and ask the children to either dress, or stop engaging in the behavior they are engaging in.

2.       Separate the children and ask what was going on- After the children have dressed ask one to stay in one room and another in the other room.  Calmly talk to each child to get the story of what they were doing, what made them decide to do it, and how often have they done it.  (avoid shaming the child by telling them what they did was dirty, disgusting, or bad)

3.       Bring the children back together and talk about Sexual Behavior Rules:  Say it’s ok to be curious about body parts however it is not okay to do the following with that curiosity:

School Age

1.       It is not ok to touch other people’s private parts.

2.       It is not ok to show private parts

3.       It is not ok for other people to touch your private parts

4.       It is ok to touch your private parts in private

5.       It’s not ok to make other’s feel uncomfortable with your sexual language or behavior

Preschool Age

1.       No touching other people’s private parts

2.       No other people touching your private parts

3.       No showing private parts to other people

4.       No touching your own private parts when others are there

5.       Touching your own private parts when you are alone is ok

Begin enforcing these Sexual Behavior rules in your home from here forward.

4.       When trying to decide if you need to call your local authorities, you may find the following link for TN related sexual behaviors and reporting helpful.  Click Here  (Be aware that the laws are different in each state, so check out your own state Gov. website to be sure).

5.       Allow your child to come talk to you about what they did or experienced as they need too.  If they have questions you do not know how to answer, let them know you would like to talk with them further but would like to set a specific time and place to do that.  Then you can find some helpful resources to help prepare you for that conversation by contacting an area professional or even your local pediatrician.

Lastly as you worry about if this will have a lasting impact on your child, consider watching for the following signs.  If they are present, your child may need to see a professional about what happened.  If they are not present you may just continue monitoring your child, allow space for them to talk to you more and trust that they have processed what happened in a way that will not make a lasting impact.

Signs you may need to consult a mental health professional:

a.       Extreme change in their behavior (they go from outgoing to isolated or vise versa)

b.      They become fearful of people or places

c.       They begin wetting the bed

d.      They begin having regular nightmares

e.       They play with their toys in a sexual nature

f.        They become aggressive

g.       They complain of their tummy or head hurting

To summarize for them remind them they are being a great parent by being concerned.  Moving forward  they need to 1) Address rules about touch  2) allow space for their child to talk about it  3) monitor their child for signs they may need additional help.