Taking it Home

“This client is really driving me crazy.  I don’t know what to do with them anymore.  No matter what I say they have a reason or an argument for why it wont work.  I find myself dreading the session”.

Anyone else been here?  At some point in our careers we all find ourselves in this place.  Sometimes it’s with the ‘resistant’ client.  Sometimes it is with the client who is really good at asking for help….over and over and over….and only from you.  Sometimes it’s with the client who is in so much pain and hurting that it’s hard for either of you to see any light at the end of the tunnel.  What do all of these have in common?  No matter how hard we try, these are the clients that follow us home (figuratively…I hope). 

So what do we do with them? Respond vs. React.  More often than not, when these clients are in our room, one of them triggers us into our own stuff, which causes us to react out of our old patterns.  This reaction sets off a chain of events and before we know it we are in really deep, feeling what they feel, imagining what they imagine, carrying what they carry.  All of these are reactions.  For us to do our best work, we are called to empathize without taking it on.  The best way I have found to do this is with the notion of response vs. reaction.  So here are some tips on how to respond…

11)      Setting up the internal awareness- Take a moment to close your eyes, center yourself, and then imagine an object out in front of you that represents what it is with this particular client that seems to stay with you.  As you get an image of this object, keep it out in front of you and notice it’s shape, size, texture.  As you take time with this, notice if there is a color.  Then take a moment to position your arms around the object as you currently feel like it is positioned in relation to your body.  Notice how uncomfortable that feels.  When you are ready, push the object out away from you so that it is just the right distance out. Where ever you place it in the room is just right.  Now hold your hands up like a boundary and position them just how you need them to be so that the object stays out from you vs. on you.  Anchor in that position to where it feels ‘known’.

22)      Get perspective – Consult with a colleague, see if they can offer any insight on counter-transference that you may be experiencing that pulls you in.

33)      Prepare before the session – Prepare in a way that allows you some time before the client comes to ground/center yourself into the most professional and wise self you have to offer.  Do your internal awareness exercise to put the object in it’s place. Remind yourself of your clinical goals for the session.

44)      Consider your own therapy – If the issue continues, consider exploring what it is about this particular client dynamic pulls you in.  Having the perspective of a therapist to help you work through this pull can benefit you and your current and future clients.

We are all human, and with that humanity brings the pull to connect with others.  Sometimes that connection is a reaction which is unhealthy for us and the client.  Choosing response vs. reaction is a hard choice and sometimes not one that comes easy.  However, this choice lessens the consequence of ‘taking it home’ which is something I know many of us strive for.